Lunch Monster

I have become an expert at getting company lunches. It's getting to the point where it is really pushing it, so I'm happy that my name is listed no where in this blog.

Errorik: "Hey, I was trying to get a little more information on your Pressure Safety Valves, could you help clarify a couple of the product specifications for me?"
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: "Sure, what can I help you with?"
Errorik: "I'm worried about the interface between your socket weld fitting and the schedule 40 pipe we use out in the field. "
Tyco Valve Sales Rep:"It should work just fine, we do it all the time"
Errorik: "I don't understand"
Tyco Valve Sales Rep:"What?"
Errorik: "I don't understand"
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: "What don't you understand, they mate up perfectly, thats what all our customers do"
Errorik: "I don't get it."
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: "Don't get what"
Errorik: "I don't know, could you just come out and we can discuss this over lunch"
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: "umm.... Okay"
Errorik: "Great, see you tomorrow at 11:00am."
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: "Okay....bye"
******************Eatting lunch
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: So what are we supposed to be talking about?
Errorik: Man, this steak is pretty good, huh?
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: Yea. I guess

Errorik: Thanks for lunch by the way, it's really important to me to meet my vendors in person. Hey, do you mind if I order another meal for my wife and kids? They really got to try this steak. It's great.
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: Umm, I'm only supposed to pay for you and me.
Errorik: But I'm thinking about using Tyco Valve Co, but this other company Flowserve has some pretty competitive products too, can't you just expense it?
Tyco Valve Sales Rep: Alright, but I expect a Product Order in on Monday.
Errorik: Okay cool. Can you fill me up with gas on the way out?

As for company training Lunch 'N Learns. I have become notorious around the office for being cheap. First. I always eat 2 lunches at lunch.

The box lunches usually come with chips. I take breaks from the seminar, to "go to the bathroom", but I'm really hiding bags of chips in my office to save for a later consumption date. This is how I can eat 2 lunches. I just save the chips for later.

Next, once everyone is full, I ALWAYS take the extra boxes of lunches. This is crucial! So often, people are full, so they don't plan ahead for the next time they will be hungry. (Or maybe they just aren't cheap enough to).

I'm really careful about this because I don't want people to know the extent of how cheap I am. I make separate trips to get each lunch box. And then I hide it around the building. We have 4 refrigerators. I put a lunch box in each one and label it with a different name so people won't accidentally take it. Names you might recognize are "Spalding", "Manga", "JJ". I've never had more than 3 lunches. But I even try to write the names in different hand writing. And I never use my own because people will get suspicious,

"Hey, why's this Errorik guy taking all the lunches. He didn't even go to this Seminar!!"

Yea, use different names, try to save some face.